R*E*S*P*E*C*T

Another interesting day at the 'ol nursing home. I just realized tonight that I've only seen two men as residents since we moved Mom in, which probably substantiates the claim that women outlive men. Sorry guys. Although it may not be a bad thing guys because you miss out on the interesting dementia behavior that seems to befall most 80 somethings. I visited Mom after 6pm this evening. I had forgotten about a little syndrome known as "sundowner's." Some people with dementia have a heightening of their symptoms at night. Other people who don't exhibit symptoms of dementia during the day will experience them at night. There seemed to be a sundowner's convention this evening. I was stopped by 3 ladies in the hall all trying to find their way to their rooms. Ruth was pacing and smoothing the wallpaper as she went. Lois was carrying her belongings in a basket trying to find a place to put them. Lois is the same lady that keeps trying to get into Mom's bed. Fortunately she hasn't tried when Mom was in it. I felt like I was in a movie. I stood at the end of the hall and watched this seemingly deliberate behavior but knowing in my mind that there was nothing deliberate about it. It's painful to watch, and it's hard to know how painful emotionally it is for them because they cannot clearly verbalize their inner feelings. I like to think that they are happily oblivious as to their state of mind.

Tonight is shower night. I got the wrinkled nose look from Mom. She doesn't like the shower. It has too many rooms and you have to run like hell to get out of there when your done. So she says. I really would like to see her run like hell. I tried to convince her to grin and bear it because it was a necessity, all the while thinking that I would hate it too. I had the aides show me the shower room. It's probably a step up from a prison shower. At least it has a curtain. The loss of control one must feel in that situation must be unbearable.

Patti's TOTD #13: Treat your elders with the respect they deserve. They aren't being slow just to piss you off. Keep in mind at all times that you too will be in their shoes one day. Most importantly don't talk down to them. They aren't idiots, they are old and probably wiser than you will ever be.

PS: Joe gives this a thumbs up.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

I have to share these quips of Jax's because the kid is hilarious. These statements were made within a 24 hour period. The kid is on a roll.

Amanda said that Jax just got up and says: "I just gotta take a deep breath." Then he breaths in through his nose and pushed is lips way out. I think he got that from me; yoga stuff.

Amanda had fed him breakfast then brought him a piece of bacon. "Mommy, I just love a tasty treat." He probably got that from Joe. Joe loves his tasty treats.

Jax saw a picture of a model on a Victoria Secret catalog and says: "Oh I love the naked girl!" I'm sure he got that from Brad.

Considering he's only 2 I think he's amazing. Not that I'm partial or anything.

Ball Of Negativity

It's 3:30am and I can't get back to sleep. I had a bad dream about something invisible touching my hand while I was in the garage at the house I grew up in. Weird!!!! Once I woke up I couldn't get back to sleep ruminating over everything....Mom, the Labor Day party, being 50, kids, grand kids, sagging neck, etc... Pretty much everything I have no control over. I'm normally pretty good about letting things go that I can't change, but only after I've bitched about it for awhile. Lately though I seem to hold onto all of the negative aspects without looking at the positive side. I think it's because so many things are happening at once so it's all becoming one big negative ball rolling downhill. How do I stop the ball without getting rolled over? Ok...for every negative thought I will verbally state a positive thought.

I'll start with a biggie: (-) The Mom that I've known and loved my whole life is not there anymore.
(+) I have the opportunity to take care of my mother like she took care of me growing up.

(-)I feel overwhelmed with "stuff", unorganized and cluttered. I'm sick of so much stuff.
(+) I am thankful that I have things surrounding me that hold memories and I am most thankful for the people that made those memories.

(-) You're only as happy as your unhappiest child. Why can't I fix everything for my children and keep my grandchildren safe.
(+) If I try and fix everything they would never become strong independent individuals. They have to live and make mistakes on their own. As much as it hurts sometimes, I have to let them. My kids (that includes step-kids) are strong, independent, responsible, loving and incredible! They impress me every day.

(-) I'm getting older. I hate it. I hate everything about it. It's cruel.
(+) I'm alive, in good health and all of my needs are met. I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

(-) I have so much to do for the party. What if I forget something? What if I do something wrong and piss someone off? It has to be perfect.
(+) Nothing is ever perfect. It's the flaws that make it memorable. My family is going to be together so no matter what it's going to be great!

(-)My skin is aging. My chin is sagging. Nothing is where it used to be. I feel strong and confident on the inside but the outside packaging is not as good as it used to be.
(+) I got nothin!......Oh, here's something: At least I know a good plastic surgeon.

This is something I came across awhile ago and I'm always preaching it to my kids because I believe it to be true. I need to take my own advice.

"The law of emotion states that any thought held in the mind and charged with emotion is rapidly accepted by the subconscious mind, activating all the other mental laws, turning inner though into outer reality." So in other words, don't be a negative Nellie!

Special Day

I'm thinking about you today Roger. I love you!

Happy Birthday

Hallo, wie gehts? Alles gute zum geburtsteg Tad. I think I just wished you a Happy Birthday. Hopefully I didn't just say something totally inappropriate. Have a great day and greetings from Indiana. Love & Kisses!

Happy Birthday

I have been a little disorganized and I forgot to post the Birthday wishes for Jan and Matthew. So....

Happy 17th Birthday Matthew. I can't believe you are 17. Are you married yet? I miss you and I hope you had a wonderful birthday!

Happy ?? Birthday Jan. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and that all of your birthday wishes came true.

Squeeky Wheel

It's true what they say about the squeeky wheel getting greased or oiled or whatever it is that you do to a squeeky wheel. I requested a new bed for Mom because she didn't like the one they originally gave her. She's been sleeping in her recliner. I've asked them about it a few times and they always said that they were working on it. I don't think it should take 12 days to work on it.....so I left a note for the Director of Nursing on Sunday and lo and behold there was a new bed there on Tuesday. It was a nice note; Nurse to Nurse. Mom hadn't slept in it yet because she didn't realize that it was a different mattress. I told her to try it out tonight but she had to remember; "you can't get out of bed without help!" I got the wrinkled nose look. "Why?" "Because when you try to get out of bed without help, you fall down." Wrinkled nose. "Mom, your legs don't work like they used to." "How do you know?" "I know because I've seen you try and get up by yourself. Just use your call light, ok?" Ok! It was one of those "ok's" that you give to someone just to shut them up.

Last week Mom told me about a lady from down the hall that kept coming in her room and trying to get in her bed. "What did you say to her?" "I told her to get the hell out of my bed. Then I told her it wasn't very comfortable anyway." She's such a pistol!

Memories vs Stuff

I think the stress of moving Mom and dealing with all of her "stuff" has finally gotten to me. I have been feeling overwhelmed; not even wanting to blog. I like to have things organized and right now nothing is organized. As I have gotten older, I have become more sentimental. When we moved Mom out of the house that I grew up in, I had no problem getting rid of stuff. I remember telling Mom not to keep so much. "You're not going to need it." That was true, and now I need someone to tell me: "get rid of it, you're not going to need it!" I am only having probelms getting rid of things with memories attached. I can get rid of the ugly gold headboard that was on one of her beds, but I can't seem to part with the 1970 bright yellow stamp holder that always sat on her desk. I don't even buy rolls of stamps. The item that started this struggle between sentiment and reality is a razor. I came across her razor while I was sorting through her things. I held it in my hand and just stared at it for the longest time. It's not just any razor. This razor is older than I am. It's shiny gold and heavy. The bottom of the handle turns to expose the blade for changing. It works perfectly. This razor always sat on the edge of the bathtub in our pink tiled bathroom. Mom used it to shave her legs. As a little girl I remember looking at how shiny it was and wanting to pick it up, but I knew it was forbidden because it was dangerous. That made it all the more enticing. When "I" determined it was time for me to begin the ritual of leg shaving I naturally reached for the shiny gold razor. I took the first swipe up the shin of my right leg. With what little hair I had came the top layer of most of the skin on my shin. I remember it well. It bled like a mother! I still have the scars from it. Apparently I wasn't ready for such a sophisticated instrument. Can you understand now why it is so hard to part with? There are fond memories and traumatic memories associated with that little razor. Of course I kept it. I justified it by telling myself that I could use it for one of my craft projects.

Here are a few of the other items that are causing me stress.
*Plastic Christmas wreath that she has had since 1971. It is still in the original box and on the inside of the lid she has written something about each Christmas that she hung it.
*Chestnut that she used to wear in her bra to keep the aches and pains away. (Whoever told her that should be shot.)
*Silky scarves that haven't been popular since the 70's. She almost always put a scarf on when she wore a jacket. Some of them still smell like her perfume.

I honestly don't know what to do. I can't keep everything; can I? My head says that I will have the memories whether or not I have the actual stuff. My heart says I need the stuff to keep the memories alive. Right now my head wants to punch my heart in the mouth.