To My Mama

I know where you are but where did you go?  Physically you are in a nursing home.  I know that because I put you there.  I see your face, but your smile is faded.  I see pictures and keepsakes on the wall but you don't because your eyesight is all but gone.  You almost always remember me.  Today you called me Patti, but you asked me my last name.  I tell you about our family reunion and you ask me if Steve was there.  Then you ask if Roger was there and I tell you he is dead.  You act surprised and shake your head.  I didn't tell you this to upset you, I am just trying to bring you back to reality.  Back to me.  You tell me you are 140 and you are old.  You tell me you hurt all over and you are ready to go see Dad.  I don't discourage you, I want you to go too.  I feel like a horrible daughter.  I cry and you look at me with no emotion.  Where did you go?  I don't know you.  An aide and a newly hired aide came into your room.  She was introducing the new girl to all the residents.  You probably didn't hear because that is pretty much gone too, but she described you as a "biter, scratcher and yeller".  I could have gotten mad or rather I should have but she was right.  I know you are my Mother, but this is not you.  Where did you go?  My mother was a beautiful woman.  Always put together.  she made people happy and people looked up to her.  I could always count on her.  She had a love for her husband and family that was evident in everything she did.  I want to ask "why?" "how could a person go from a vibrant and a loving woman to a biter, scratcher and yeller?" I don't ask because I know there is no answer.  There is no reason.