The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

I really want to blog about something fun and happy, but that is not my life right now (unfortunately). I said the other day that Mom seemed ok about going to the nursing home. Well....not so much! I called her this morning to let her know that I am going to move her on Monday. "Move me where?" "To the place that we looked at the other day." "Oh noooo, I don't want to go! I'm not going to like it there and I will miss all of my friends!" Silence on my end. I really have no clue what to say to her. Plus, I had to wait till the ringing in my head stopped from feeling like I just got bashed up side it! This is why it is important for people to be able to express their feelings. I realize that she is not herself these days, but I gave her so many opportunities to discuss things and she always shut me out or told me she was ok. I didn't even know she really had friends there. She never talks about anyone except to say that she can't stand her table mate, or that the physical therapist rubs her the wrong way. You know what, this is about me as much as it's about her, and this is fucking hard!! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it and I'm going insane!!!!!!!!!!! That's me expressing my feelings.

Happy Birthday Lisa

Happy Birthday Lisa! I haven't seen you around the blog world recently. I miss you! I hope everything is going well and I hope you have a wonderful Birthday. Love and kisses.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Today turned out to be a much better day. It didn't start out that way though. The nursing home wanted to change the room that we picked out. They wanted her in a room closer to the nurses station because she is a fall risk. I understand that from a nurses perspective, but I'm not a nurse now, I'm her daughter. Emotionally speaking, the room that we originally picked out felt better to me and as much as I could tell from Mom she was ok with it too. It's like getting psyched up for something and then someone goes and changes the plan. It knocks the wind out of your sail a little bit. I felt like they were pushing me into something I didn't want. I already didn't want to be there in the first place and now this! I was ready to go somewhere else. I forget sometimes that I have a support system in my family. I like to do everything myself so I very rarely ask for help. Silly me! I talked to Joe and he told me to stick to my guns and do what I think is right. He said:"Don't let them tell you what they want, it's up to you, you decide." I called Bryan to get his input. Bryan continues to surprise me. I'm pretty sure that Bryan says things to me sometimes that he knows are ridiculous just to see how I will react. When it really matters most he has the most level headed and right on advice. He will tell me when he thinks I'm overreacting. He has a way of making me see the other side without taking sides. Amanda and I are one in the same. I can talk to her and she knows exactly what I feel. We can validate each others feelings even when we know they are irrational. It helps put them in perspective. So, armed with the confidence from my husband and children I went to the nursing home to put my foot down (nicely though). I actually snuck in unannounced and found out from one of the nurses which room it was that they wanted to put Mom in. I went snooping around and found the lady that would be her roommate. Her name is Esther and she has one leg. She is a very sweet, soft spoken lady, that keeps a tidy room. We talked for a little while and I got a very nice feeling that this might be ok. Then I got caught by the admissions lady. I really didn't like her much, she was patronizing and didn't listen to me well. She had her own agenda. I overlooked that though and focused on my mission. Which was finding a room with good Karma! I went to the room that I first picked out and I didn't get as good an impression as I did the first time I was there. Interesting! So Esther it is, room 304. I go over tomorrow to start the paperwork. I had an epiphany while I was there today. It had to do with the fact that all of the residence that I talked to were hard of hearing. I decided that that is actually a good thing because that way they don't hear their roommate snoring. God works in mysterious ways.
This evening I got on my blog and read the comment from Steve. It has to be hard not being around. Steve, I want you and anyone else reading to know that I have never felt put upon to take care of Mom or felt that it should be you instead of me taking care of this. I have finally found my place in my family. I am the caretaker. It's what I do best and what I need to do. I know if you lived here you would be right by my side doing this with me. But I would have to be in charge though because I am a control freak (just ask Amanda). I finally feel like you and I are on the same page and I wouldn't change a thing. I love you too more than you know!

Life Changes

There are days that one looks forward to with great anticipation and excitement. Yesterday wasn't one of those days for me. I took my Mom to look at a Nursing Home. Never thought that day would come, but it has. I remember visiting my Grandma and Grandpa McKee at a Nursing Home. It was horrible! It smelled really bad and there was a lady there that grabbed everyone that walked by. My Grandma Moore was in a Nursing Home as well. The place she was in was much better, but it was still hard to go there. I was pretty young when my Grandparents died, so I wasn't really in touch with what my parents were going through having their parents in Nursing Homes. Thinking about putting your parents in a Nursing Home isn't something most people dwell on. The thought may enter your head, but you quickly dismiss it as unpleasant. So when the day actually comes, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I think I may be taking it harder than Mom. Mom is hard to read, especially now. She doesn't say too much and she doesn't really talk about her "feelings." So I'm sitting there holding her hand and staring at her and she looks at me and says: "What are you looking at?" "Oh, nothing, just at you." Seriously! does she not know how freaked out I am? Then while I choke back tears and try to control the urge to puke, I ask her: "Are you scared?" "No!, why would I be scared?" Am I on another planet? Am I not about to sentence my Mother to a life with no control? Why isn't there more screaming and kicking????? She's taking this way too well and it's making me feel guiltier. Then it hit me. BAM! This isn't about me. It's about her and she apparently has accepted it, or she is too confused to know. She has found some way to cope and move on, so I guess I need to too. I know it's the right thing to do, and the place I found is a nice place. It's like when a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness. Somehow they have to come to terms with it in their own mind and accept it. Everyone around them though is freaked out and not willing to accept it for them. Honestly, that's selfish, but it's what we do. I still feel like I'm going to puke every time I think about it, and I really don't know what the next step is or what I am going to do. I will however, figure it out and make the best of it. I Love my Mommy and I will hopefully do what is best for her. One thing you can count on.....NO ONE messes with my family and gets away with it. I got your back MaMa!

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary Lauren and Kenny. Apparently you done quite a bit of celebrating already in Seattle. Did ya have any coffee while you were there? (That's really all I know about Seattle and that it rains a lot). Was your wedding the last time I was in Colorado? I'm due for a trip out West, but who will take care of my chickies? Have a Happy Anniversary!!!

Political Story Time

Remember when you were little and your parents said: "If you don't have anything nice to say about someone, then don't say anything at all." It's kind of the cornerstone of proper manners. Apparently it doesn't apply to the political process. Slinging mud is the order of the day. Each party blaming the other and printing and saying things that are untrue and totally taken out of context. How is the average American supposed to make an informed decision when we're not even sure what to believe? I have actually been more involved in this election process than I have ever been. I have watched the debates, I've listened to CNN and MSNBC. I read any article I can that pertains to each parties policies and where they stand on issues, and I am more confused than ever. The money alone that they raise for their campaigns is obscene, and they spend it on ads to trash each other. How demeaning to the American people. It's like high school. The government is like the popular kids. They can do anything and get away with it. Then there is the rest of us and we have to go along for the ride. When it comes down to it, the presidential race is a popularity contest. Who do you like best? Who looks the best on camera? Who looks Presidential? Who do I think would make the best President? A better question is who would do a better job than George Bush? Well actually Joe the Plumber would probably make a better President than George Bush, but he's not running.

Addemdum to Predators Beware!

I almost forgot the validation for my recent behavior. Glamour magazine says: "Your eccentricities make you deliciously you!" So there you go, I am delicious!

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary Brad and Kim. How many years????? Brad didn't you get her a diamond ring a few anniversaries ago? Did you top that this year? What's going on you crazy kids? I hope you had a glorious day.

Predators Beware!

Hard to tell, but that's a mole. Caught the only reliable way that a mole can be caught, in a trap. Don't ever waste your money or time on mole bait or putting chewing gum in their tunnels. None of that works. Some people swear by the crazy remedies. Honestly, moles move around a lot, so you may think they are gone and they just tunnel deeper and show up somewhere else. I learned this in my master gardener class so I know the facts! I think my kids think I am going insane with my new found hobby of hunting. People are constantly reinventing themselves and discovering new and exciting ways to express themselves. Why can't I??? Besides it's one way to control my surrounding. I can't do much about the economy and the direction that this country is heading, but I can control my own environment and protect my own little country on West Hamilton Road. So that is what I am doing. Don't mess with the Alpha Doe! http://www.themoleman.com/control.htm