Hard Choices

Today I had one of those experiences that altered my senses and made me rethink the whole meaning of life. I moved Mom to a nursing home. It's one of those things that people with aging parents often think of, but never really grasp the gravity of until they actually have to do it. It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. Leaving her there this evening ripped my heart out of my chest. Neither the two LARGE glasses of wine or the hot fudge sundae did anything to console my broken spirit.
I've been to nursing homes before, lots of them. But I don't think that I really looked at the people or realized what it must be like for them. I looked at them today for the first time. Everyone in the dining room sitting there with a look in their eye as if they were seeing something not in front of them, but in another dimension. Some eating and some not. There was no conversation. Even the tables with four people sitting at it were silent. Everyone in their own little world. Maybe it's the control freak side of me, but I wanted to know what they were thinking. What if anything is behind those blank stares. Are they thinking; "it fucking sucks to be old but I'm too tired to scream," or are they so unaware of the fact that they are old and incapable of taking care of themselves that they are in an altered state of bliss? No more worries or responsibilities. I guess I won't know until I get there....or will I? There is no answer as to why after a vibrant life some people end up infirmed unable to attend to the most basic of needs. It's sad. It's even worst when it happens to someone you love. It's called the circle of life for a reason. We go out like we came in. Dependent on others to care for us. Except when we go out we're not as cute and a lot more wrinkly.
I have to keep reminding myself not to be selfish. Yeah it's hard for me, but it's not about me. It's about making Mom's time left on earth as happy as possible and being there for her like she's been there for me.