Life Changes

There are days that one looks forward to with great anticipation and excitement. Yesterday wasn't one of those days for me. I took my Mom to look at a Nursing Home. Never thought that day would come, but it has. I remember visiting my Grandma and Grandpa McKee at a Nursing Home. It was horrible! It smelled really bad and there was a lady there that grabbed everyone that walked by. My Grandma Moore was in a Nursing Home as well. The place she was in was much better, but it was still hard to go there. I was pretty young when my Grandparents died, so I wasn't really in touch with what my parents were going through having their parents in Nursing Homes. Thinking about putting your parents in a Nursing Home isn't something most people dwell on. The thought may enter your head, but you quickly dismiss it as unpleasant. So when the day actually comes, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I think I may be taking it harder than Mom. Mom is hard to read, especially now. She doesn't say too much and she doesn't really talk about her "feelings." So I'm sitting there holding her hand and staring at her and she looks at me and says: "What are you looking at?" "Oh, nothing, just at you." Seriously! does she not know how freaked out I am? Then while I choke back tears and try to control the urge to puke, I ask her: "Are you scared?" "No!, why would I be scared?" Am I on another planet? Am I not about to sentence my Mother to a life with no control? Why isn't there more screaming and kicking????? She's taking this way too well and it's making me feel guiltier. Then it hit me. BAM! This isn't about me. It's about her and she apparently has accepted it, or she is too confused to know. She has found some way to cope and move on, so I guess I need to too. I know it's the right thing to do, and the place I found is a nice place. It's like when a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness. Somehow they have to come to terms with it in their own mind and accept it. Everyone around them though is freaked out and not willing to accept it for them. Honestly, that's selfish, but it's what we do. I still feel like I'm going to puke every time I think about it, and I really don't know what the next step is or what I am going to do. I will however, figure it out and make the best of it. I Love my Mommy and I will hopefully do what is best for her. One thing you can count on.....NO ONE messes with my family and gets away with it. I got your back MaMa!